PERSONALITY DOMINANCE

Spare a moment for your own self and think. Most of our time, energy, mind & heart goes in thinking what people think about us. Adjusting with the thought process of people.  We tend to do what they want or like us to do.  Dependency of our thoughts on such people makes us emotionally dependent on them. 

We the `puppets’ and they the ‘puppeteers’.

I was travelling from New Delhi to Bangalore in Karnataka Express.  The journey involved two nights in the train.  Bangalore is also famous for engineering colleges. I saw a group of five-six students preparing for an interview for the Bangalore Engineering College.  The students were pulling legs, nothing new, of one of their friend, who happened to be a little extra tall. `Listen you do not stand straight, bend little bit in the interview, otherwise the jury members won’t be able to look into your eyes’, said one of the student.  After a while, this boy got so bugged that he got up and went towards the gate of the boggy.  All the friends enjoyed his irritation.

When you have no work, you have time to advice.  I could not resist and went looking for this boy.  Initially I was unable to find him.  Of course I even peeped outside door of the boggy for the unexpected.  Suddenly, I could see this boy standing in front of the washbasin mirror and judging his height. Indeed this boy had taken the comments of his friends quite seriously.  He accepted what they said and that was the reason he was abiding by their thoughts. We generally do this !!!

Not having confidence in our own-self, we end up taking a whole lot of advice from people.  Some are constructive some are not. Why do we do this ?

I could not resist myself and initiated a casual conversation with him. I asked him `I want to jump out of the door of this fast moving train, can you accompany me?’.  He looked at me with disgusting eyes, as if I had lost my mind.  I asked him another thing, `I want to stand upside down but I want you to accompany me?’ His looks conveyed me everything what he thought of me.  I finally concluded, `if your friends have a problem, it is their problem, not yours, so be cool and happy about what god has gifted you’. I think, he understood what I meant.

There is another incident.  I remember a girl who worked with me.  She would always do what her boss said, who was happened to be a female.  Good or bad, she would never give herself any other option but to concede to the boss’s orders. Any one could notice the much evident change of expressions on her face, which were of course completely dependent on her boss mood.  I had never seen her having lunch when her boss either skipped or had a fast.

This change of temperament and personality as per the change in your boss or some one you care about most is called “PERSONALITY DOMINANCE”.

When in PERSONALITY DOMINANCE you tend to behave exactly like the influencer. On one hand the person who brought you under his personality dominance enjoys unconditional and devotional stature; on the other hand your entire personality gets trapped in the web of his fluctuating personality.

You may describe this as nothing but a true guru and shishya parampara.

One day this female disciple came late and the boss was fuming at the top of her voice and gave her a piece of her actual mind.  Reason, this young lady, to her utter honesty, carried the keys of the drawer of her boss’s table, which the boss had left open the day before.  The young lady was scolded so badly that forget about the guru dakshina, she lost all the respect for her, the very same moment.  This time the boss was wrong, and it was proved beyond doubt.

She narrated the incident and confronted, `how can she scold me when she herself comes late every day.  I locked the drawer and carried the keys so that her things remain intact.  What the hell she thinks of herself.  She is nothing if I leave her.  I have done everything for her’. I could feel, the hurt was immense. She went on and on.  Finally she announced, she wanted to leave the job.   She submitted her resignation to her boss.  The boss did not react; perhaps she had concluded that it was an opportunity to hire a fresh talent.  The entire guru and shishya parampara had collapsed. 

PERSONALITY DOMINANCE actually kills thinking ability.  It kills your innersole and self-respect.  You actually end up messing-up your own life with such people.

PERSONALITY DOMINANCE - how do you get rid of such emotional dominance? 

Think of the state of your mind.  You have this one person, who is a god to you. Your mentor, your only friend and your soul mate.  You do what this person desires you to do. You are actually emotionally trapped.

A personality dominates your emotions, which prominently includes your mind, and palpitates your heart.

Let us understand this with the size of your brain.  Let us presume your brain has 100 chambers.  When your entire concentration is on ONE person, you are actually left with not many options and you tend to get fully exposed to this person.

To get out of this dominance, divert your mind and interact with another similar person.  Now you have TWO persons and your interaction starts getting divided.  As you start sharing your thoughts with this new person, you actually start hiding thoughts with the first person.  As the time moves, this new person who occupied just a little space now starts increasing its presence in your mind.  Let us presume at one time he occupies about 50% space.  The ratio now is 50:50.  Also meaning that at any given point of time, none of these two people know more than 50% of your inner-self.  Important is to know that you now are exposed 100% to none.   

Gradually, as now you do not have much pressure from either of them, and you have regained your self-confidence, you would not find conversing with people in general. Lets us bring a THIRD person into conversation with you now. Your entire conversation now stands divided into three individuals – at one time 100% exposure now stands just 33%.  It also means that any given point of time there would 66% information safe and confided in you.  Isn’t this amazing?

Now, do you remember the FIRST person who dominated you?  The PERSONALITY DOMINANCE of this person would have vanished by now.

It is often seen that people who have many acquaintances are quite deep in their mind and heart.  It is not easy to understand them.  You can call them introvert though they may be extrovert. 

PERSONALITY DOMINANCE does not apply on two individuals who are close friends, who take up the cause together and grow together.  These friends are rare species and very difficult to find, but do exist.  Two people eating together or for that matter sleeping together may not be friends, may be just acquaintances.

True friends are like two-way communication, where there is no dominance, and no personality egos.  If they are true friends, then they do not come under the category of PERSONALITY DOMINANCE.

If they do, they are not true-friends.. !!!!!

(From the extracts of book `Me Within Myself’ )

SYCOPHANCY IS AN ART – A TOOL

It is the most admired, tested and the exceptionally successful art, rated on any scale, the `sycophancy’.  A very calculated communication art when clubbed with the much coveted art of body language, it results in wonders. The beauty of this art is that the person on whom it is applied knows quite well but still s/he admires and relishes it.

The roots of this art go back to ancient history. No wonder it is the most ancient art in any history and persists and survives today, with addition of skills and intelligence – Sycophancy is an Art – a Tool.

A sycophant is a very intelligent person.  His grasping power is very high and his ability to read and understand a person’s mind is just tremendous.  A sycophant actually governs and controls the mind of the target.

A sycophant is a smart manipulator who knows that he is manipulating an individual to fulfill his interests and dreams and that his/her deeds would never give him an equal status in the eyes of this individual.  A sycophant is a master of opportunists and has NO EGO problem.

What do I tell you, his qualities are endless.

I remember a student in my school days who was the most loved and most admired student of us all.  You can imagine the hurt when a teacher appreciated one single student.  I was always astonished the way our class teacher used to appreciate his activities, his honesty, worthiness, sincerity and intelligence.  As if we all were just dump in front of him.  No matter what we did, the excellent grade was as if reserved only for him.

That was the first time I experienced the irresistible impact of this beautiful skill – the sycophancy. 

It pains still to remember as how this teacher blessed him with all the smiles and just hated our faces, no matter how many flowers we carried for her on the valentine days.

Don’t get lost, this art is quite popular in offices also.  Little, well timed and beautifully worded flattering kind of appreciation from the subordinates – which boss doesn’t like it...

I remember an officer who constantly kept tract about what the boss liked and what were his dislikes.  To please the boss, he would change his like and dislikes in split of a second.

There is an old story, when one day a king asked his mantri, `which vegetable dish he hated the most’ and up came the reply, `my lord it is Baigan Ka Bharta.  The king immediately replied, `but I like it the most’. Mantri was never far, he immediately added, `oh my lord, may be my wife does not know how to cook.  If prepared nicely like in the palace this would have been my favourite dish too.’

Whatever you call these sycophants, these people are the most successful people in the present scenario.  But, it is not easy to become a sycophant.  You have to possess certain unique qualities, some in-borne and some long practiced ones.  You must be soft spoken, should know when your boss smiles, when he drinks tea or only coffee, what time he comes and leaves, should never leave before the boss departs, irrespective of whether he believes in all festivals or not, greet him on all occasions and finally, if he/she has a pet, must accept it is the most charming one.

You have to make him believe that you are the only and the most devoted one, sincere, faithful and confident admirer of his.

Regular practice of some sober and loud body gestures will make you a good sycophant.  But the proficiency would come through experience.

Now tell me, with such hard work, why crib if some individuals get paid those extraaaaa dividends.

After all they have worked so hard and vigorously to attain such status !!!!!

One thing that is precarious in this art is the immaturity.  If this art is not enacted to the perfection, the matter becomes worse.  On the face, no one would like to be put in the category of sycophant as entertainer.

The immature handling of this art would definitely degrade the person to such an extent that he would loose his entire faith and respect in people’s eyes.  The genuine appreciation by this person for anyone would only carry tonnes of denotation and most of them would be negative.

Unlike any other form of art, the art of sycophancy runs on a very thin line.  If not applied through right techniques, it can result in unwanted circumstances. 

And if applied with perfect skills and maturity, it can make you the golden boy of all times !!!!

Remember, there are many art forms, some need to be learned and some need to be only admired.. may be through a considerable distance...

(From the extracts of book `Me Within Myself’ )

SUNDAY CURRY



It was Friday, the last working day, and whole of the energy enthusiasm had given way for a relaxed and peaceful holiday. 

Me and my boss were working late in the office.  Just as I thought the work was over and was about to leave, his heavy voice asked me of my plans for Sunday.  I was quite.  He presumed I was free.  Before I could find some reasons, he asked me to visit his house on Sunday.  I had no choice but to agree.  Must be some thing important, I thought so.

My boss was a man of few words and I could feel that if was asking so, there must be some thing only important and meaningful.  In my dreams, I could only see me conversing with my boss.

On Sunday, I reached his house well on time.  He himself brought me a glass of water.  I asked him politely if no one was there in the house.  He too replied very politely that every one was there and watching TV and if I wanted to meet them.

This was the first time I was seeing my boss in casual dress, a cream colour short and a blue t-shirt. He was looking quite different from his office attire.  Quite relaxed, he was a different man.  I was wondering he was upto something and my coming brought a break in his activity.  Before I could ask him anything, he asked me to follow him.  Passing through the `verandah’ we entered into his kitchen.  Kitchen – full of vegetables and all designer instruments to dress-up and un-dress the vegetables.

Sir, are you cooking something ? I asked hesitantly. He smiled, yes, and I do it every Sunday.  I asked again, Why Sir, don’t you have your wife to cook food or a servant for this work ?.  My wife and servant, both are watching TV with rest of the family, he replied while cutting vegetables.  They all are here in the house, but today there entry in the kitchen is banned, Sunday is my day, he continued.

I was surprised to see this behaviour of my boss.  He was clearing the vegetables must quicker then the files.

I asked him again, `sir, but why are you cooking? It is not the ladies job or job of a `maharaj’.   While cutting vegetables, he started replied, whole week, day & night, we just work.  We have so much of official burden and pressure that makes all of us too monotonous and the mind goes for a six.  We meet so many people of so much of different nature & behaviour, deal with so much variety of views & issues that by the time we reach the last working day of the week, our mind is only hoping for a relaxed day to unwind the fully winded-up mind. If you notice the last working day, the issues start dragging and freshness of the mind is almost lost.

This is where the mind needs a break. Break from the monotonous routine official schedules.  Break from the meetings and disposal of files.  Break from all officials procedures, he continued.

I asked him again, Sir, why don’t you go for a movie or to the club or just to meet your relatives or probably watch TV programmes of your interest. They may relax your mind. To which he replied, these entire things are kept for Saturday, but not for Sunday.  Sunday is my day for the SUNDAY CURRY.  Nothing relaxes me more than my Sunday Curry.

He could see that I had a lot of queries in my mind and that actually I was waiting for the exact reason for the `Sunday Curry’.  Even though I tried, I could not hide anxiety on my face, after all I have been working with him day and night.

Sensing my queries, he explained, look, the mind needs to do something different from the routine work to get relaxed. We watch TV regularly but watching movies I do not like.  We meet relatives once in a month or probably two months.  What is creative and constructive about all this ?

I realized, he was only right, and certainly not that much wrong.

It is not that I am preparing lunch for my family, actually it is my way of unwinding myself and while doing so I am also being constructive.  This entire activity relaxes my mind, heart and soul, he smiled.  I am breaking my routine by doing something which is entirely different and unexpected out of me.  Right from bringing vegetables from the market to washing them, cutting and then cooking, putting all `masalas’, everything is done by me.  I apply my creative thoughts in every aspect.

I asked him again, but sir, how do you unwind yourself by doing this ?

He replied, whenever you do something which is already been done by someone else, you try to do it differently.  This is human psychology. You add your input to give it a cutting edge.  You try all kinds of experiments and apply all tricks of the trade.

Pointing to vegetables he spoke like a philosopher, we eat almost a similar kind of food every day, they are also cut in the similar pattern and also cooked in a similar manner.  The taste of salt, chilly and other `masalas’ would also be almost same.

Here is one day in a week, Sunday, I engage myself in this absolutely different kind of activity.  Right from A to Z everything is done differently and I bring this difference deliberately.  The entire process makes me do a whole lot of creative cooking, which I enjoy immensely and the satisfaction of having food cooked by me, with my entire family, makes me feel even happier.

My entire mind is distracted from my office routine work, which totally relieves me from official pressure, he continued.

I could see very rare smiling face and a feeling of pride while he narrated the process. 

Look, washing vegetables is like looking at different issues.  Cutting vegetables is like dealing with different kind of problems. Cooking vegetables is like finding solutions.  And finally, serving food is like disposal of files.

I immediately asked him, but what about making `chapattis’ and having food? He could not stop laughing, well, I could never make round `chapattis’ – meaning I can never make every one happy.  And for having food together means – `kaam khatam’

But what about the reaction of your family members, do they like food prepared by you ?,  I asked.  I am now a trained cook and whatever I prepare, they enjoy thoroughly.  Everyone is happy because my wife gets a break from the kitchen at least for one day in a week, he replied.

Before I could react his wife entered into the kitchen and asked, how much time for the lunch Mr. Cook? and prompt came the reply, another 20 minutes madam. 

To my utter surprise, he got on to the job like an obedient cook.  I was also given a knife in my hand and was asked to cut the salad quickly and up came the boss voice, `do it differently’.

I found myself engrossed in the kitchen with him and enjoying the experience. 

The food was ready in 20 minutes and we both served to one and all.  No doubt the food was good.

I could understand now why my boss had called me on a Sunday.  Perhaps he could understand the pressure on my head and also that I needed to relieve this pressure to further enhance my efficiency.

Since then, every Sunday, I too have given my wife a holiday from the kitchen.  I have slowly learnt to prepare vegetables.  I too do think about the official problems and their solutions. The time the solutions seem appearing, the speed of my knife increases.  My family was initially surprised to find me in the kitchen, but they are happy to find a change in me.

The only thing I cannot understand is, how the vegetables I prepare ultimately turn out to be a `mixed vegetable curry’.

Perhaps, there are too many things in my mind.

(From the extracts of book `Me Within Myself’ - The incident referred is of the year 1990s)